I flashbacked to 6 years ago around this time, when I literally lost my mind, and hubby had to drive 2 hours to Malibu to find it (and me, and 2 year old Caleb). I felt the Lord prompting me, "Go ahead, sweet child, share your journey with others." And I said, "But Lord, do we really have to let everyone know about my past? I mean, now they'll all know I've gone insane. I think I was far beyond gone, as I recall." He said, "It'll be alright.....trust Me". When Caleb was 2 years old, I was a stay-at-home mom trying to adjust to the demands of a still-nursing, active, colicky little toddler who didn't sleep* much at nights. * Note: The phrase "Sleep Like a Baby" should be outlawed because it is an oxymoron. Babies DON'T sleep, they doze off and shriek as soon as you tiptoe out of the room. Ask any new parent and they will share this secret....unless they are too tired and sleep-deprived to tell you thise truth! (^_^).
Trying to still keep up with pre-baby lifestyle, I continued to stay 'busy'. I also volunteered to help with the Jr. high group in our church, hence I started staying up late into the wee hours (2-3am) doing online newsletters while Caleb was asleep. And in the daytime, I'd do mass research. I wanted to stay in control, to not feel like I'm doing 'nothing' at home, so I increased instead of decreased my workload, not realizing that adjusting to life with a newborn can take a big toll on a new mom's sleep, self-esteem, physical and mental health.
In Febuary 2004, I started experiencing insomnia spurts, one of which lasted 4 nights. On the 5th day, I experienced my first psychotic episode and drove 3 hours north until I ended up near the shores of Malibu. I experienced hallucinations and heard voices the whole drive up the 5 freeway and drove until my tank was amost empty. My cell phone was out of battery and I didn't know where I was. Caleb was in the car and it was a miracle he didn't cry the whole time, and we hadn't gotten into a car accident (since voices told me drive thru walls)!
Mission Hospital
He and his brother Joseph drove in one car to Malibu to find me, then he drove my car and me/Caleb back home. What followed were 2 more nights of insomnia, delusions, hallucinations, and confusion. By Sunday, he drove me to Mission Hospital's Emergency Room because I had not slept at all in 6 nights. On the way to the hospital, this song was playing in the car. He was startled when I started singing this song... he figured that since I was singing praise songs, I was probably not possessed by demons (though, 2 nights before he had prayed over me with Ephesians 6:10-18, just in case I was!). It was a blessing to have my in-laws, mom, siblings and loved ones in church praying for hubby and me and helping us during those uncertain and scary days !
I ended up getting sent by "Lynch" mobile (yes, strapped down) to the most runned down hospital in the area, since other (more humane) hospitals needed authorization/referral. This 'next-step-above-poverty-level' hospital was the only option without needing a doctor's authorization, hence it was the one I ended up in. (I still tease hubby that I will get back at him for not putting me in any of the luxurious private oceanview hospital rooms along Newport coast or Laguna beach)! Only College hospital was available on that fateful weekend (and yes, I am thankful for their care, even if the place looked like a little prison and they spoke to us like parole officers). I stayed for many days and during that time, the psychiatrist shook his head often and misdiagnosed me as schizophrenic 沒救啦! 精神分裂症?! Hence, he told hubby I may be here a long, long.....long........ time.
(End of Part 1 : Take A Tea Break?)
I had difficulty recognizing hubby and was constantly in a state of confusion in the first days following my hospitalization. By day 5, hubby had given up all hope (and his own resources) and just gave me to the Lord. He had considered selling our home and quitting his job to stay home to care for me (well, if I ever did come home). But his brother urged him to keep his job or we won't have health insurance. Caleb wasn't weaned during the week of my hospital stay, and would wail uncontrollably at nights. Hubby joined him and the new father and boy wallowed in the depths of sadness and despair.
Miraculously, on day 6 (Friday), I woke up in the morning and remembered who I was, who hubby was, and that we had a 2 year old son! The doctor was thrilled when I answered all the routine questions correctly and told ME to TELL hubby when he visited that night....that I can go home on Monday! Yeay! 能離開醫院啦!
When hubby came to visit me, I told him the good news but he looked dubiously at me and patted my back. I bet he thought I was being discoherent 胡說8道 and was probably confused again, so he ignored me! By Monday morning, hubby came running and told me that my doctor contacted him. He said the doctor sounded surprised and filled with disbelief that I had miraculously recovered and was clear-minded and chatty. Hubby could not believe that I had regained 'consciousness' (awareness?) precisely the morning after he had given up trying to research/solve my insanity on his own! On the way home, I proudly told hubby, "See? I told you the doctor let me go home!"
So on day 8, we went home. I know that it was God's miraculous works that I could be here, chatting with you online, about my special experience. God is good, and I have experienced first-hand His soverignty and protection! I was like the US Airways airplane that survived the perilous flight, not because of my own strength, but because God's hands protected me and carried me down to safe waters!
Ever since my hospitalization, I realized that *gasp*... I don't have to do ANYTHING to win God's favor or unconditional love. The months after my recovery, I began SSRI meds and still had insomnia on and off, and I literally could not do much but was merely 'surviving'.
But it was in the darkest nights that I reached out and experienced the love of my Heavenly Father. Psalms 103 sustained me in the sleepless nights (when I had a miscarriage and when I relapsed shortly after Abbie was born, but God helped me through those trials too!) He didn't need me to do anything for him, because He is one who can easily enlist a donkey to speak for him or carry out his work through a Big Fish (just ask Jonah!).
Twice today, God reminded me (thru the Bible and the radio): Come to me, my child (all ye who are burdened), and I will give you rest 來找我，我有重擔的孩子，我就使你得安息 ~ ~ .
Thank you all for your faithful prayers for me and our family! God bless you! Do not be afraid of trials, because when the night is darkest, the star (YOU) shine brightest!
p.s. Truth be told, being institutionalized is really not that bad. The worst thing about it is actually.... the food! But we all know not to expect too much from hospital food (^_^).
In Febuary 2004, I started experiencing insomnia spurts, one of which lasted 4 nights. On the 5th day, I experienced my first psychotic episode and drove 3 hours north until I ended up near the shores of Malibu. I experienced hallucinations and heard voices the whole drive up the 5 freeway and drove until my tank was amost empty. My cell phone was out of battery and I didn't know where I was. Caleb was in the car and it was a miracle he didn't cry the whole time, and we hadn't gotten into a car accident (since voices told me drive thru walls)!
Malibu
I didn't know why but I checked into a deserted motel and called hubby from the front desk clerk's phone. Hubby was spooked when he got my call. In fact, he felt eerie when he came home from work that stormy evening. The garage door was open but no one was inside the darkened house. I told him I was at an Inn and gave him the address inscribed on the back of my door key. He went online and was surprised that this indeed is a 'real' hotel, and shocked that I was in Malibu alone with our 2 year old, apparently in a state of confusion.
Mission Hospital
I ended up getting sent by "Lynch" mobile (yes, strapped down) to the most runned down hospital in the area, since other (more humane) hospitals needed authorization/referral. This 'next-step-above-poverty-level' hospital was the only option without needing a doctor's authorization, hence it was the one I ended up in. (I still tease hubby that I will get back at him for not putting me in any of the luxurious private oceanview hospital rooms along Newport coast or Laguna beach)! Only College hospital was available on that fateful weekend (and yes, I am thankful for their care, even if the place looked like a little prison and they spoke to us like parole officers). I stayed for many days and during that time, the psychiatrist shook his head often and misdiagnosed me as schizophrenic 沒救啦! 精神分裂症?! Hence, he told hubby I may be here a long, long.....long........ time.
(End of Part 1 : Take A Tea Break?)
I had difficulty recognizing hubby and was constantly in a state of confusion in the first days following my hospitalization. By day 5, hubby had given up all hope (and his own resources) and just gave me to the Lord. He had considered selling our home and quitting his job to stay home to care for me (well, if I ever did come home). But his brother urged him to keep his job or we won't have health insurance. Caleb wasn't weaned during the week of my hospital stay, and would wail uncontrollably at nights. Hubby joined him and the new father and boy wallowed in the depths of sadness and despair.
Miraculously, on day 6 (Friday), I woke up in the morning and remembered who I was, who hubby was, and that we had a 2 year old son! The doctor was thrilled when I answered all the routine questions correctly and told ME to TELL hubby when he visited that night....that I can go home on Monday! Yeay! 能離開醫院啦!
When hubby came to visit me, I told him the good news but he looked dubiously at me and patted my back. I bet he thought I was being discoherent 胡說8道 and was probably confused again, so he ignored me! By Monday morning, hubby came running and told me that my doctor contacted him. He said the doctor sounded surprised and filled with disbelief that I had miraculously recovered and was clear-minded and chatty. Hubby could not believe that I had regained 'consciousness' (awareness?) precisely the morning after he had given up trying to research/solve my insanity on his own! On the way home, I proudly told hubby, "See? I told you the doctor let me go home!"
So on day 8, we went home. I know that it was God's miraculous works that I could be here, chatting with you online, about my special experience. God is good, and I have experienced first-hand His soverignty and protection! I was like the US Airways airplane that survived the perilous flight, not because of my own strength, but because God's hands protected me and carried me down to safe waters!
___________________________________
In the past, I was a perfectionist. I studied hard, worked hard, and expected good results. Not only with work, but with people (family, spouse, kids, and especially ~ myself). I relied on my strengths, and I enjoy praises for the hard work I put in. Everything from studies to work to home care, I felt in control. I didn't know that the same rule does not apply to parenting, hence reality did not meet my expectations. In the past I worked hard not only at my job, at maintaining my home, but with my service to God as well. "Here, God, watch what I can do for you! This sounds like a good project, let me take it up for you Lord! See how much I love you and serve you with my talents!"
Ever since my hospitalization, I realized that *gasp*... I don't have to do ANYTHING to win God's favor or unconditional love. The months after my recovery, I began SSRI meds and still had insomnia on and off, and I literally could not do much but was merely 'surviving'.
But it was in the darkest nights that I reached out and experienced the love of my Heavenly Father. Psalms 103 sustained me in the sleepless nights (when I had a miscarriage and when I relapsed shortly after Abbie was born, but God helped me through those trials too!) He didn't need me to do anything for him, because He is one who can easily enlist a donkey to speak for him or carry out his work through a Big Fish (just ask Jonah!).
All he wants is to have me sit beside him, share my heart with him, and enjoy Him, because He loves me and died for me! It dawned on me that everything I've done in the past was for ME, and my glory, so when I lived for myself, I "lost it" (John 12:25)! This journey could be the worst, yet the BEST thing that happened to me. I was liberated from all my self-imposed-have-to-dos, and just sat by Jesus feet (I was so weak I couldn't go anywhere anyways) and listened to Him share His love for me.
Ministry is no longer about 'doing' as it is 'being'... being close to my Heavenly Father, and glorifying Him any way He chooses, like sharing my tales from the dark side with you all. We all can glorify him in repetitive tasks (often unnoticed by anyone) like diaper changing, trash throwing, dinner cooking, and kiddie chauffering. So moms, even if our babies don't rise up and call us blessed, we know that we are doing it for our Lord, and we desire to hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant" from no one other than Christ himself.
I am slowly getting back on my feet. Now we all know there's GOT to be a God because how else would two adorable kids survive until now with a mom whose brain takes unscheduled and prolonged
Ministry is no longer about 'doing' as it is 'being'... being close to my Heavenly Father, and glorifying Him any way He chooses, like sharing my tales from the dark side with you all. We all can glorify him in repetitive tasks (often unnoticed by anyone) like diaper changing, trash throwing, dinner cooking, and kiddie chauffering. So moms, even if our babies don't rise up and call us blessed, we know that we are doing it for our Lord, and we desire to hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant" from no one other than Christ himself.
I am slowly getting back on my feet. Now we all know there's GOT to be a God because how else would two adorable kids survive until now with a mom whose brain takes unscheduled and prolonged
vacation days? God has taken over our family rudder and steered us toward safety. Since then, I've begun to behold others with more compassion. I no longer feel awkward around those with "odd" 怪怪的 behaviors when I see them in the malls or Walmart, as I was once one of them. I used to look at ''cruel' moms or guys on the news and jeer them when the lawyers use temporary insanity as 'excuses' for their behavior. Now I see them differently.
In many cases, clinical depression can be brought about by situational stressors (pressures from school/work; postartum stress/hormone shifts; loss of job/house/finances; loss of one's health or family members; loss of relationships through diseases/accidents/ divorce; prolonged suppressed anger; sleep deprivation/irregularity, etc.) or biological triggers (neurological/
chemical/hormonal imbalances), and these individuals are suffering, in pain, isolated, and need help. I know others' struggles, now that I'm officially one of the subjects my UCSD abnormal psychology textbook was describing!
In many cases, clinical depression can be brought about by situational stressors (pressures from school/work; postartum stress/hormone shifts; loss of job/house/finances; loss of one's health or family members; loss of relationships through diseases/accidents/ divorce; prolonged suppressed anger; sleep deprivation/irregularity, etc.) or biological triggers (neurological/
chemical/hormonal imbalances), and these individuals are suffering, in pain, isolated, and need help. I know others' struggles, now that I'm officially one of the subjects my UCSD abnormal psychology textbook was describing!
Whatever the reason, God calls us to love one another, and to see others better than ourselves. Our marriage has also strengthened in the storms of my health crisis. Since walking the paths of those suffering from insomnia and depression, hubby and I began to see and love with a compassion we didn't feel before. Sometimes thorns in the flesh do wonders!
Your footprints
and Jesus'!
and Jesus'! ______________________________________________
~ Post Scriptus ~
It is one thing for hubby and I to know about God, having been raised in a christian home (as pastor's kid and a kid of a single christian mom, respectively). But it is a whole new ballpark when your life (and family, marriage, health) depended solely on God. In our case, hubby and I were holding on to Him for dear life! There are things in life no one but God can help you with, like....sleep!
God is good and forever faithful! He never leaves or forsakes us! People ask me if I'd be a stay home mom if I had to do it all over again. My answer? YES! And I'll even sacrifice some sanity in order to experience the hand of the Living God in my life! The day Soph comes to the end of herself, is the day Christ begins to reveal himself, his presence and power!
Twice today, God reminded me (thru the Bible and the radio): Come to me, my child (all ye who are burdened), and I will give you rest 來找我，我有重擔的孩子，我就使你得安息 ~ ~ .
Thank you all for your faithful prayers for me and our family! God bless you! Do not be afraid of trials, because when the night is darkest, the star (YOU) shine brightest!
p.s. Truth be told, being institutionalized is really not that bad. The worst thing about it is actually.... the food! But we all know not to expect too much from hospital food (^_^).
