To: All my beloved on 5/15/12
Subject: Pain produces the Prettiest Pearls
(^_^) ~ Don't Give up!
Hi Sweeties!
Thank you for your love, friendship, and patience (esp. in reading soph's super long emails. Maybe read when you are waiting in line or for kids to finish their after school activities) !
One thing that intrigued me most was when I was in the deepest valley of depression (mid Feb-early April), the Lord put in my heart: "Tell everyone about what you are going through right now. Share your struggles and don't refuse help when others reach out to you.""What?Tell everyone that I am a walking zombie, 98% not functioning, my brain is mush, that I take 10 minutes standing in my closet unable to make a simple decision of picking what to wear, or struggle for 8 minutes trying to make toast and butter? That I had insomnia for 2.5 months, couldn't stop eating and gained 8 pounds? And also that I want to walk out of the house, never come back, and can't stand even my own kids?
I don't think so.....".
"Yes, tell them ALL that you are going through right now. Tell everyone on your street, in your church, in your extended family, those from college, and don't forget to tell the kids' teachers too", the Lord whispered."No way!That's so embarrasing! And what if I tell all the neighbors on my street who don't know you? And if I'm like....so messed up....who's gonna want to be a Christian? Who would believe in YOU? That will just embarrass you, and no one should do that to God, right? I should just keep quiet, no one will ever know!"
"Just do it. Trust me.""I don't get this....it doesn't make sense. But....I guess I have nothing to lose. Everyone already knows I'm insane (and this is the different attention that Jeremy LINSANITY gets!). Well.... I suppose I've already hit bottom. So it can't get worser than this."
So I started telling Bree, and Katie, and Staci and Joy, and Selina, and Julie and all the sisters in church. I told Mrs. Schofield, Miss Cameron (Abbie/Caleb's teachers), and everyone who crossed my path (and kudos for everyone's bravery, because they have to overcome their own feelings of helplessness & listen to me share.....). Amazingly though, as I began to open my broken heart and life to others, they began to open theirs.... They shared about their struggles....their frustrations...(perhaps aware that someone's already in worser shape than they're in!
Soph's Conversations with and emails from friends/loved ones in the past 2 weeks:"You mean, YOU also felt like....giving up....on YOUR LIFE too? You mean, your kid also screams at you and says ~ This house sucks! I want to have a different family!Now I know.....we ALL struggle, we may not say it, but we struggle, and feel alone often (even if we are in a room full of people), and many times (even if some of us are already grandparents), we don't know what to do!
________________________________________________________________When I was struggling, God put this verse in my heart (and during devotions), "Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other, so you may be healed."I didn't understand. I thought I was suppose to show them the best side! [This, I learned, is religion/playing church.....not an authentic relationship with the Lord and others]. Isn't this how I glorify you? Since college, my birthday wish every year was, "Lord, let me glorify you this year. For me to live is Christ, to die is gain." I've always thought that glorifying/serving the Lord means doing things for him like joining our church Worship team, leading Bible studies, Caring about everyone who needs my attention (or so they insist), or Blogging about God's goodness. This should be it, right? I love it! Sharing all the goodness! I thought that by being a Publicist for a Christian film company and making movies about God's wonderful works in Bible Stories, THAT will be glorifying Him!Perhaps glorifying Him means sharing how paralyzed I am without Him! My own fleshly thinking and ways have landed me flat on my back (or face?) for the last 3 months! It's not what I can do for Him, but what He can do through broken Soph! Now I know that I need to share about how REAL He is, how much HE wants the best for us & has the power to help us (not only in eternity but NOW, facing any struggles on this earth), and He loves us even at our worst. I learned what's MOST important on this earth is Christ's unfailing love and FORGIVENESS, and in confessing, I became liberated and had the courage to share my deepest secrets! And people began praying for me, and prayers from all His children are powerful and effective! I've now experienced it first hand and actually lived to tell you about it.Now I learned that when I shared my deepest pain, EVERYONE started sharing theirs, and then we all realized that our struggles are super common, that we are not 'aliens' who feel this way, and that God CAN help us let go of the fear, anger, and guilt (which causes 87% of our physical pain including heart attacks/high blood pressure/depression ~ known as psycho-somatic ailments)! We are all going to be the paralytic man who needs friends to bring us to the Lord to get healed, at one time or another! Today it may be me on the mat, tomorrow it could be my beloved.I've learned to receive grace and help from others, since I took pride in always being the one 'giving/doing' (and it felt good because Soph is in control!)....yet if I do not hit bottom, I will never experience the exhiliration of being carried in the arms of my Savior (and my loved ones) and brought to the top of the waves, and finally, to the mountaintops where I am fed all you can eat sushi buffet (like Makino Japanese All you can eat sushi & seafood buffet next to John Wayne airport). If I didn't hit bottom, I would never tell people the shame and embarrasing things and thoughts that I've shared recently. But because I've tasted how great the Lord is (just like Makino Japanese all you can eat buffet....man...why do I keep bringing this up?
Last week I borrowed a book about clams & oysters for Abbie's sea otter science project. The Lord reminded me that we are like these oysters who go through intense pain and irritation in their whole body in order to produce the pearls within. The people that grate us, the circumstances that pound at us....these takes out the impurities in our hearts and produces precious, pure, and priceless pearls that glorify our Father and bless others (esp. the person wearing the necklace)!A few days ago, Caleb was working on his May 23rd science project theorizing what storage temperature is best for popping the most popcorn kernels. As we were popping our 7th bag of Costco popcorn, the Lord gently said to me, "You've been like a dried up popcorn kernel that is stuck on the corn cobb, refusing to let me be Lord of your mind/heart/life. Let go of that old cobb and allow me to put you in the furnace (microwave).....With some time and added Heat and Pressure, I will be able to POP you and make you useful, and edible! You can bless others (and smell/taste much better too!!)So definately Soph has so much to learn each and every day! No matter what comes your way, cling on to the promise that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.I Love you all and I thank the Lord for you!~ Gratefully ~Soph
Spring Break 2012 ~ Lake Tahoe
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