Subject: The Joys of Depression (^_^)! And Happy Mother's Day Week!

Sent: Saturday, May 5, 2012 9:09 AM by Godluvu99@yahoo.com

Subject: The Joys of Depression (^_^)! And Happy Mother's Day Week!

Good morning Sweeties!

Love you all and I thank the Lord for you! Last night during fellowship, I was so challenged and convicted when a buddy asked, "Why does God give us trials?"

I used to think that I was a pretty mature, spiritual Christian. After all, I grew up in church, led Bible studies since high school (then in college, while working/married/now!), was a part of the worship team/fellowships/Awana/children's ministry, is a deacon's wife and Pastor's daughter in law! But the past 3 months journey into disaster (depression) woke me up to the fact that I'm a christian gal of little faith, and lots of pride!

There's a saying that "A Christian is like a teabag. You don't know what they're made of until you put them in hot water", or "Trials don't make you or break you, they merely reveal you." I used to think I'm Hokkaido Honey Milk Tea (Soph's favorite ), but during this trial/depression, God showed me that I'm actually Taiwanese Bitter Melon Tea!

When I was not able to function, I was so bitter and complained, "Lord, I did ALL THESE THINGS to you and never did anything 'wrong'! Why are you making me so misearble? No one else I know (or my peers) suffered like this! "

The Lord lovingly replied, "I know the plans I have for you,plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." [And He put this verse in my heart every day since 2/4/12 to Today].

I said, "Lord, what kind of plan is this? I am unable to function cognitively and physically, I am at the end of my rope, I think I'm going to give up and do something to myself to end this pain/misery."

He gently replied, "Do you love me?"

"Of course I do!!"

"Then Be still and know that I am God. “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength".

"Repent of WHAT? And I've been serving in fellowships, Children's nursery, worship team, Awana, Children's worship; Hubby counted church offering for 2 years and led VBS for 2+ years! We put the kids in Awana/Sunday school, and teach them your words! I am doing these for you, don't you see how much I love you?"

Lovingly He said,

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings."

"Lord.... What does that mean?" I asked. 

Well, precious child. I know your heart and you want to do these things to serve me. But let me show you what is far, far better than this! You are weary and tired, subconsciously doing all these things that you think pleases me. And they are wonderful things no doubt. But what I desire is that you acknowledge (seek, obey) me every morning and ask me what plans I have for you THIS day. Only one day is sufficient, and I give you the manna of wisdom/power/ clarity/love needed for this day.

Just love me and spend time with me DAILY, and your day will not be busy, frustrating, weary, stressed out. I also desire mercy (compassion, forgiveness) far more than anything anyone can offer me. For I also said, Love your neighbor as yourself. That means forgiving them anytime, anywhere when they (including your hubby, son, daughter, mom, dad, neighbor, friends, coworkers, the guy at Pavillions or the one who cut you off when you went to Irvine yesterday) offend you (in speech, in action, in attitude).

"Wow, that's a tall order, Lord!"

"Well, that's why I'm here for you, child! If you could do all things on your own, then you would not acknowledge me or need my supernatural power (Holy Spirit) to work within you, would you?"

"Yeah, I didn't for the longest time. I was so busy/distracted 'doing' things, and mostly did things my way and bossed my hubby/kids around. I guess I didn't handle the place of power/authority (as a parent, especially) too well. That's why I get depressed so easily, esp. when they don't do/act/behave the way I want them to, when I want them to. I guess my 'love' was really self-seeking....and I cannot give my kids/hubby/others TRUE unconditional love unless I receive and experience God's agape love and mercy first!"

"Well, love them with all your heart without expecting them to repay you with hugs/praises/good grades/performance. Remember yesterday when you resisted the urge to scream back at Caleb (though he screamed at you all the way to school), let it go when hubby complained the veggie you cooked were too soft/hard/salty/bland, or gently wiped Abbie's nose after her meltdown without getting back at her insults? THAT, to me, is SACRIFICE.....that is Victory. You showed love and obedience me to me even when you were offended...and THAT to me, is mercy (loving neighbors) and acknolwedging (loving) me. You leaned on me (the Holy Spirit) to overcome your Flesh! It's the heart I'm after, sweet child, not the action (outward rule observing or even serving). Follow me daily, let go of your dreams/plans/natural reaction to offenses, meditate on My Word to give you strength and wisdom, and I will make your life truly abundant. THEN ~ ~ ~ PARTY WILL REALLY BEGIN!!!"

__________________________________

What a PRECIOUS revelation! I thank the Lord today for the FAITH (Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him) journey the last 3 months! God showed me my perfectionism is a result of my FEAR (of kids straying/failing, or me not measuring up to other moms) and my controlling/unforgiving attitude is a results of my PRIDE (I'm better/know what's better for you than you/plan better)!

Thank you all for your patience, prayers and persistence in encouraging me when I was at my worst. Now I know that I am no better than any murderer out there, because in my heart I've killed a thousand times. Confessing the anger and pride in my heart had totally lifted me out of this dark cave and helped me soar like an eagle that glides freely above the beautiful trails by my house in Ladera's Cleveland National forest. I used to envy these eagles....they have no cares of the world and soar so peacefully in circles....... Now Soph experienced how wonderful that is! Because the Lord has taught me, "My yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Why? Because Soph not the one carrying it!

So now I think about the question last night, "Why does God give us trials?"

Soph: So that she can experience first hand and deeply how REAL and LOVING her God is! He's not here to torture or test us, or ask me to put Abbie and Caleb on the alter/freeway/railroad track to see if I will really cut them in half. He is actually showing me thru my trials how weak and faithless I am. Yet in the midst of my failings, He loves me and forgives me, and HEALS me while I am still struggling and sinning! He showed me deep His love is for me, as broken and messed up as I am! Good thing I didn't do anything dumb to myself during spring break! If I did, I'd REALLY miss out, 'cuz He healed me 3 days after we returned from our spring break Tahoe trip!!!!

Hugs and Happy Mother's Day Week to my BELOVED! THANK YOU for your prayers!

Grateful Soph

(p.s. Tonight [5/5/12], the biggest and brightest full moon of the year arrives!as our celestial neighbor passes closer to Earth than usual.Saturday's event is a "supermoon," the closest and therefore the biggest and brightest full moon of the year! http://news.yahoo.com/look-sky-supermoon-due-saturday-155940554.html. I feel like this is a gift and renewed covenant from the Lord , just as the rainbow was shown to Noah after the flood....that God loves us so deeply and tenderly, that in our worst shape, He still hangs the most beautiful moon for us to BEHOLD to show His unending love and compassion to us! )

But He said to me, “My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made Perfect in Weakness.”